Best 200 Funny Quotes For Your Happiness

Reading funny quotes is a great way to keep ourselves in good mood. Here we are listing top 200 funny quotes for your instant happiness.

Best Funny Quotes

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.-Don Marquis

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.-Dylan Thomas

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.-Bob Hope

A day without laughter is a day wasted.-Charlie Chaplin

All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.-Alexander Woollcott

All men are equal before fish.-Herbert Hoover

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.-Mark Twain

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.-W. C. Fields

As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.-Buddy Hackett

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.-Jay Leno

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’-Conan O’Brien

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.-Larry David

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.-Steve Martin

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.-Franklin Jones

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.-Casey Stengel

A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.-Eleanor Roosevelt

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.-Emo Philips

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.-Batman Returns

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.-Oscar Wilde

A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.-Fatz Domino

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.-Zsa Zsa Gabor

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.-E. B. White

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.-Winston Chruchill

A fool and his money never should have got together in the first place.-Michael Douglas, Wall Street

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.–Karen Scalf Linamen

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.-Jim Davis

Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.-Joan Collins

A camel is a horse designed by a committee.-Sir Alec Issigonis

Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.-Voltaire

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.-Groucho Marx

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.-Carl Sagan

“Be yourself” is about the worst advice you can give some people.-Thomas Lansing Masson

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!-Billy Connolly

Before you marry a person, you should at least make them use a computer with a slow internet connection to find out who they really are.-Will Ferrell

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.-Abraham Lincoln

can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.-Fred Allen

Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.-Tina Fey

Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.-Margaret Culkin Banning

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.-Mark Twain

Don’t let schooling interfere with your education.-Mark Twain

DeBeers should change it’s motto to ‘Diamonds – that’ll shut her up… for a minute!’-Ron White

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.-George Eliot

Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.-Mae West

Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.-Charles Shulz

Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.-Daniel J. Boorstin

Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand.-Emo Philips

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.-Will Rogers

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Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.-Dennis Wholey

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.-David Letterman

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.-Bill Maher

Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway.-Gilbert Gottfried

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.-John F. Kenendy

Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.-Betty White

Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.-Greg Tamblyn

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.-Jon Stewart

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.-Naguib Mahfouz

Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?-Jay Leno

Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!-Groucho Marx

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool.-Bill Murray

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.-Redd Foxx

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving faster than you is a maniac, and anyone going slower than you is a moron?-George Carlin

Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman… or a bad woman.-George Burns

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.-George Burns

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?-Benny Hill

He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything – that clearly points to a political career.-George Bernard Shaw

I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.-Mitch Hedberg

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?-Abraham Lincoln

If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.-Ann Landers

I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.-Arthur C. Clarke

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.-Dalai Lama

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.-Charles Lamb

I am only human, although I regret it.-Mark Twain

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.-Ralph Waldo Emerson

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!-Tom Lehrer

Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.-Sam Levenson

I had plastic surgery last week – I cut up my credit cards.-Henny Youngman

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.-Dave Barry

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.-George Carlin

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.-Jerry Seinfeld

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.-Johnny Carson

If you think you have it tough, read history books.-Bill Maher

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.-

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?-Lily Tomlin

If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.-Gilbert Gottfried

If I wasn’t a golfer, I would still be miserable – but not as miserable.-Larry David

I’m one of the few people in Hollywood who actually had a good childhood.-Seth MacFarlane

I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.-Marc Maron

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?-Milton Berle

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.-Phyllis Diller

If you want to look thin: hang out with fat people.-Rodney Dangerfield, Back to School

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.-Woody Allen

If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.-Dick Cavett

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the dog’s owner – and the distance you are from your car.-Demetri Martin

I live about four muggings from Central Park.-Henny Youngman

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.-Henny Youngman

I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.-Ron White

I wouldn’t camp out for five days if was… camping.-Ron White

Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.-Bob Thaves

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.-David Lee Roth

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.-Emo Philips

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.-Earl Wilson

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?-George Carlin

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.-Groucho Marx

I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.-Henny Youngman

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.-Ron White

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?-Ronald Reagan

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.-Sam Ewing

I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife)… but still my own.-Si Robertson

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.-Steven Wright

I told you to go to Cox’s and buy a searsucker suit, but it looks like you went to Sears instead.-Jay Shulte

I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms.-Hilarious Sayings

I drink to make other people more interesting.-Ernest Hemingway

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.-Groucho Marx

It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.-Ronald Reagan

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.-Sam Levenson

I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.-H. Kyle Seale

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.-Lawrence Ferlinghetti

I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.-Peter Cook

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.-Miles Kington

Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.-Helen Rowland

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.-Rita Mae Brown

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.-Katharine Hepburn

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.-Alan Dundes

Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories.-Jessica Simpson

Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.-Mae West

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.-Caroline Rhea

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.-Francois de La Rochefoucauld

My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.-Jean Rostand

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.-Ellen DeGeneres

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.-Jackie Mason

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.-Joan Rivers

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.-Mike Myers

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.-Milton Berle

Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.-Woody Allen

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.-Rodney Dangerfield

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.-Mitch Hedberg

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?-H.L. Mencken

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.-Ashleigh Brilliant

Never have more children than you have car windows.-Erma Bombeck

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.-Mark Twain

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.-Dave Barry

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.-Erma Bombeck

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.-Laurence J. Peter

Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.-Robert Orben

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.-George Carlin

Once you give up integrity, the rest is a piece of cake.-J.R. Ewing, Dallas

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.-Isaac Asimov

Political correctness is tyranny with manners.-Charleton Heston

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.-Dale Carnegie

Sickos don’t scare me. At least they’re committed.-Michelle Pfeiffer,

Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them all on TV.-Thomas Sowell

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.-Matt Groening

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.-Abraham Lincoln

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.-Albert Einstein

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.-Bill Waterson

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.-Andy Rooney

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.-Fred Allen

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.-Jerry Seinfeld

This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo.-Bill Maher

The only bathroom law I’m interested in is one that bans loud sighing.-Conan O’Brien

The road to success is always under construction.-Lily Tomlin

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.-Zach Galifianakis

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.-Steve Martin

The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.-Jon Stewart

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.-Bill Murray

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.-Sid Caesar

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.-Jay Leno

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.-Demetri Martin

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.-Henny Youngman

Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.-Benjamin Franklin

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.-Douglas Adams

To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.-George W. Bush

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.-Clint Eastwood

The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.-Josh Billings

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.-Kin Hubbard

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.-Kurt Vonnegut

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.-Natalie Wood

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.-Paul Fix

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.-Ashleigh Brilliant

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.-Oscar Levant

Trying is the first step toward failure.–Homer Simpson

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.-Harlan Ellison

When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.-Jane Wagner

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.-James Thurber

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.-Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.-Rodney Dangerfield

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.-Benjamin Franklin

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.-Bryan White

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.-Clarence Darrow

When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.-Richard Lewis

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.-Rita Rudner

War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.-Ambrose Pierce

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.-Gertrude Stein

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.-Oscar Levant

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.-Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.-George Burns

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.-Bill Maher

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn;t that long ago we were swept away by the Macarena.-Jon Stewart

You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.-George Burns

You’re only as good as your last haircut.–Fran Leibowitz

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